The old saying "when God closes a door He opens a window"...you've heard it a million times just like I have and to be honest, when things are looking glum it's probably the last thing you want to hear. It's nice to wallow in self-pity, telling yourself and arguing with God that you deserve more than the bum rap you're getting. In fact I've always been the classic pity party thrower. I send out invitations, put out chips and dip and let anyone in that will sit there and listen to me whine in hopes for the "poor you, let me make it all better" reaction. I'm also the person who, when someone comes to me in this state, will try to be "the fixer."

Why am I telling you this? I had an epiphany of sorts while I was at Creation this year. I was holding onto something that I absolutely did not want to let go of. I had told myself that I had already given the situation to God wholeheartedly which was a bunch of crap. I continued to let my emotions rule me and ended up being pretty upset at a time when I should have been having fun. More to the point I should have been concentrating on worshiping God and thanking Him for everything I have instead of whining over what I didn't have due to the fact that He knew it wasn't right for me. So, long story short, I made a really difficult decision to take a break from a relationship....actually a friendship....in order to finally be still and shut up and wait for the Lord to tell me what my next step should be. I opened up my heart and allowed myself to admit that I was being a selfish little brat and putting a huge stumbling block in front of my walk with Him by not giving Him total control over my heart and my mind. I'm not going to say that it wasn't difficult in the beginning. Losing control is never an easy thing to do. It's like those trust tests at camp where everyone surrounds you as you close your eyes and fall backwards. You have to make a conscious decision to give up control and trust these people, believing that as you fall someone WILL catch you. The thing is it's an amazing feeling when you know without doubt that someone has your back. In the case of those tests you're putting your trust in humans who are fallible. They are capable of making mistakes. I think that's where I went wrong for so long. I forgot that putting my trust in the Lord means NO MISTAKES! He knows exactly what's right for me, so by letting go of all that I think I want, I will end up with everything I need and then some. He loves me that much. :)

So since I've done this some great things have been happening. I have new friends in my life and God may be leading me down a new path with someone. Am I sure that's going to happen? No....and I really don't care! That's the beauty! If it happens great....if not....GREAT! That just means I have a new friend and there's another adventure on the horizon! I just can't get over it. All I had to do was stop and let go. It sounds so simple...why did I wait so long? To all my friends who have come to my famous pity parties...I'm sorry I put you through all that garbage. I'll make it up to you. How does sushi sound? :)

Beauty in ashes

I was sitting in the drive-thru at the bank this afternoon waiting for my deposit slip to come back and was looking around like I always do, pretty much being bored in the wait. For some reason I felt the Lord whisper to me "Why don't you really open your eyes and see what you see?" I took off my sunglasses and really starting taking in my surroundings...the greenness of the grass, the butterflies flitting about, the deep purple and bright pinks of some flowers in a yard across the street, a little rabbit taking advantage of the lush shadiness of a grove of trees. At that moment it was like I was seeing all this for the very first time, even though I'd been to the bank on this errand a thousand times before. This scene is played out everyday in a million different neighborhoods in this world and just then it dawned on me, the immenseness of God. Every blade of grass accounted for, every leaf on a tree, every butterfly alit on a flower. But then I got even deeper in thought as I contemplated the science of it all, how each and every creature on this earth is different. How the Lord, in one breath, created this beautiful nature that surrounds us right down to the scientific complexities that keeps the seasons in cycle...from death to rebirth. In that very second the way I saw my world changed. Lately I have become bored with my life and trepidatious of the changes that are coming. My daughter has just turned 18 and soon she will be going to school and no longer at home. I'm not sure I'm ready to let her go. As much as parents always kid around about their child moving out and having a house to themselves, inside that 18 year old still feels like their little baby. Where did these 18 years go?? Wasn't it only yesterday that I rocked her to sleep and stroked her little face, wiped her tears when she hurt and laughed along with her as I tickled her feet? I'm not by nature a very frightened person. God has blessed me with a great deal of fortitude, however, the thought of my daughter leaving gives me a huge pit in my chest. I know deep down that I've taught her well and that God has his hand on her and loves her even more than I do. So why then could I cry at the thought of her taking her first steps into this big world? I just want to hold her in my arms and keep all of the world's hurts from her. I know though, that I can't do that. She must experience things on her own to help shape the woman she is to become and to teach her to rely on the Lord in times of plenty and in times of want. Funny....isn't that what He is doing with me right now? trying to teach me to let go of what I hold most dear on this earth, entrust it to Him and KNOW that He will protect and guide her even when I'm not near? God is also filling the void that is going to be there with old and new friends. My friend Gretchen is such a blessing to me. She always knows the right thing to say, even when it might not be what I want to hear, to make me feel better. She and I laugh and cry and laugh some more. Her little ones help me remember what it's like to have a houseful of laughter and life. Why does it always seem to amaze us when God takes care of our need even before we realize what that need is? Isn't He awesome?? :)

So the next time you're waiting in line somewhere, open your eyes as if it's the first time you've ever seen.....look at things in a bigger way and realize the awesomeness of a Father that created all of this for you. You'd be surprised...there truly is beauty in ashes.