The old saying "when God closes a door He opens a window"...you've heard it a million times just like I have and to be honest, when things are looking glum it's probably the last thing you want to hear. It's nice to wallow in self-pity, telling yourself and arguing with God that you deserve more than the bum rap you're getting. In fact I've always been the classic pity party thrower. I send out invitations, put out chips and dip and let anyone in that will sit there and listen to me whine in hopes for the "poor you, let me make it all better" reaction. I'm also the person who, when someone comes to me in this state, will try to be "the fixer."

Why am I telling you this? I had an epiphany of sorts while I was at Creation this year. I was holding onto something that I absolutely did not want to let go of. I had told myself that I had already given the situation to God wholeheartedly which was a bunch of crap. I continued to let my emotions rule me and ended up being pretty upset at a time when I should have been having fun. More to the point I should have been concentrating on worshiping God and thanking Him for everything I have instead of whining over what I didn't have due to the fact that He knew it wasn't right for me. So, long story short, I made a really difficult decision to take a break from a relationship....actually a friendship....in order to finally be still and shut up and wait for the Lord to tell me what my next step should be. I opened up my heart and allowed myself to admit that I was being a selfish little brat and putting a huge stumbling block in front of my walk with Him by not giving Him total control over my heart and my mind. I'm not going to say that it wasn't difficult in the beginning. Losing control is never an easy thing to do. It's like those trust tests at camp where everyone surrounds you as you close your eyes and fall backwards. You have to make a conscious decision to give up control and trust these people, believing that as you fall someone WILL catch you. The thing is it's an amazing feeling when you know without doubt that someone has your back. In the case of those tests you're putting your trust in humans who are fallible. They are capable of making mistakes. I think that's where I went wrong for so long. I forgot that putting my trust in the Lord means NO MISTAKES! He knows exactly what's right for me, so by letting go of all that I think I want, I will end up with everything I need and then some. He loves me that much. :)

So since I've done this some great things have been happening. I have new friends in my life and God may be leading me down a new path with someone. Am I sure that's going to happen? No....and I really don't care! That's the beauty! If it happens great....if not....GREAT! That just means I have a new friend and there's another adventure on the horizon! I just can't get over it. All I had to do was stop and let go. It sounds so simple...why did I wait so long? To all my friends who have come to my famous pity parties...I'm sorry I put you through all that garbage. I'll make it up to you. How does sushi sound? :)

Beauty in ashes

I was sitting in the drive-thru at the bank this afternoon waiting for my deposit slip to come back and was looking around like I always do, pretty much being bored in the wait. For some reason I felt the Lord whisper to me "Why don't you really open your eyes and see what you see?" I took off my sunglasses and really starting taking in my surroundings...the greenness of the grass, the butterflies flitting about, the deep purple and bright pinks of some flowers in a yard across the street, a little rabbit taking advantage of the lush shadiness of a grove of trees. At that moment it was like I was seeing all this for the very first time, even though I'd been to the bank on this errand a thousand times before. This scene is played out everyday in a million different neighborhoods in this world and just then it dawned on me, the immenseness of God. Every blade of grass accounted for, every leaf on a tree, every butterfly alit on a flower. But then I got even deeper in thought as I contemplated the science of it all, how each and every creature on this earth is different. How the Lord, in one breath, created this beautiful nature that surrounds us right down to the scientific complexities that keeps the seasons in cycle...from death to rebirth. In that very second the way I saw my world changed. Lately I have become bored with my life and trepidatious of the changes that are coming. My daughter has just turned 18 and soon she will be going to school and no longer at home. I'm not sure I'm ready to let her go. As much as parents always kid around about their child moving out and having a house to themselves, inside that 18 year old still feels like their little baby. Where did these 18 years go?? Wasn't it only yesterday that I rocked her to sleep and stroked her little face, wiped her tears when she hurt and laughed along with her as I tickled her feet? I'm not by nature a very frightened person. God has blessed me with a great deal of fortitude, however, the thought of my daughter leaving gives me a huge pit in my chest. I know deep down that I've taught her well and that God has his hand on her and loves her even more than I do. So why then could I cry at the thought of her taking her first steps into this big world? I just want to hold her in my arms and keep all of the world's hurts from her. I know though, that I can't do that. She must experience things on her own to help shape the woman she is to become and to teach her to rely on the Lord in times of plenty and in times of want. Funny....isn't that what He is doing with me right now? trying to teach me to let go of what I hold most dear on this earth, entrust it to Him and KNOW that He will protect and guide her even when I'm not near? God is also filling the void that is going to be there with old and new friends. My friend Gretchen is such a blessing to me. She always knows the right thing to say, even when it might not be what I want to hear, to make me feel better. She and I laugh and cry and laugh some more. Her little ones help me remember what it's like to have a houseful of laughter and life. Why does it always seem to amaze us when God takes care of our need even before we realize what that need is? Isn't He awesome?? :)

So the next time you're waiting in line somewhere, open your eyes as if it's the first time you've ever seen.....look at things in a bigger way and realize the awesomeness of a Father that created all of this for you. You'd be surprised...there truly is beauty in ashes.

A great friend and a tube of Ben-Gay!

My girlfriend Gretchen and I have started exercising together in the morning. Both of us would like to be a shadow of our present selves and in the spirit of encouragement and accountability we decided, over two bottles of wine mind you, that we were going to get up at the un-Godly hour of 5:30am and start walking together. Or at least....that's what I thought. Come to find out Gretchen had a slightly different and more taxing idea.

Gretchen had already used the website www.coolrunning.com and their Couch to 5K program to do just that about a year or so ago. I remember when she did it how dang impressed I was that she had that type of dedication and will power. I'd always wished that I was that type of person. I remember seeing her running as I was headed to work and in my head cheering her on. I guess this would be a great time to also tell you that in addition to being a "go-getter", Gretchen is also a fantastic mother to 3 of the most adorable children you will ever meet, whom, by the way, she home schools, wife to a police officer, fun-loving aunt to 4 children, part time waitress at a local restaurant, one of the leaders of our worship band at church....the list goes on and on. Oh...did I mention the woman even makes her own laundry detergent?? She's like the friggin' hippie version of the Energizer Bunny!

So anyway, I show up at her house on Monday morning all ready to "walk." Well we did that for about 5 minutes. Then we jogged. Yes...you read it correctly....jogged. We kept up the "walk, jog, walk, jog" thing for about 20-25 minutes. Obviously I'm still alive to tell the tale but I have to tell you for a few minutes there I thought I was going to meet Jesus face to face before the morning was over. Gretchen was a great encourager....egging me on the whole way, understanding when I need to slow the pace a little. We never stopped, but man did I want to. When we finally finished and I drove home, I laid on my bed for a bit to catch my breath and it was then that I realized.....I did it! 3 miles! Never in a million years would I have done that on my own. It's just not in me. I love the way God puts people in your life exactly when you need them. I was so proud of myself the whole day and incredible thankful for Gretchen's friendship.

Then came the next morning. I now know what it feels like to be the victim of an animal stampede. My legs hurt sooooo badly that I could hardly get out of the bed. Going to the bathroom at work became a major decision as to whether I could hold it...or if it was really necessary to lift myself out of the chair and hobble to the bathroom only to squat in pain. I did wake up with a bad migraine and really couldn't go walking again so I rested yesterday. We went again this morning before work. It was a bit easier this time and again.....Gretchen helped me through it. I feel like I've actually taken a little bit of control over something that has had control over me for such a long time. Life is good.....and so are great friends :)

A tribute to my little girl on her 18th birthday

My little girl is 18 today. I've been sitting here at work, looking at pictures of her from when she was little. It's so hard to believe that 18 years have passed since I first held her little, tiny body in my arms for the first time. I remember as if it were yesterday. . . .her beautiful blue eyes, her soft skin, her sweet little mouth yawning contentedly as I held her close and whispered in her ear how much I loved her.

Over the years I've watched her mature into a beautiful girl, inside and out. She has an incredible capacity for love.







She also has a wonderful sense of humor, silly and goofy with a laugh that is contagious.
My child has brought out the best in me as a person. She' s taught me that physically giving birth to someone doesn 't make you a parent. It's the love that you feel for a child and the bond that is forged through that love that makes that child your own. She is as much a part of me as she would be if I gave birth to her myself. I never knew that I could love someone as much as I love her. I am so proud to be able to call myself her mother.

So on this day that she turns 18 I'd like to ask all my friends to give her the greatest gift you could ever give her. Please take a moment and pray that the Lord blesses her and keeps her safe as she steps out into adulthood and that she never forgets that no matter how old she is, that she will always be His precious little child.



Nicole Daniell Mills . . . . . ...I love you.

Mama

What goes around.....

There's an old saying that our moms used on us....it's more of a curse really. The old "I hope when you have children they are exactly like you?" Well let me just say that it works whether or not the child actually spewed forth from your loins. Most already know that Nicole is biologically my niece (my brother Jimmy's child) but I have custody and have raised her thus, I am MOM. So anyway, I have found that it doesn't matter if you give birth to the child. You raise it, God's sense of humor kicks in, and sure enough....they do the same crap you pulled when you were little. For example, one of my worst habits as a child was being nosy. Anytime my mom had a friend over I had an insatiable need to be in the middle of the conversation knowing everything that was going on. Nicole is the exact same way. Also if I happen to be on the phone, inevitably there is some piece of information of the utmost importance that she has to bring to my attention right then and there. I'm not talking about some little, inconsequential thing oh no! I mean come on....the fact that she broke a shoelace and needs new ones absolutely cannot wait. Call 911, break out the National Guard! Shoelace emergency! It's not as if she didn't have, oh say, 5 WHOLE HOURS prior to me getting on the phone to tell me. Grrrr. Another thing.....the old "ok just a minute" phrase. I admit....it was my favorite answer anytime my mom wanted me to do anything I didn't feel like doing. I brought this on myself I know and although my mom feels my pain I know that deep down inside of her there's a maniacal bit of laughter brewing every time I get exasperated at my child doing these things. I also think it's these little moments in life that God chuckles at. It's like a network comedy in reruns. You've seen them all a hundred times but each time you watch you still laugh a little. I'm just looking forward to the day when it's Nicole's turn. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go practice my maniacal laugh....BWAHAHA!!!

Oh yeah....

Almost forgot...while in church I noticed all the little babies Hayden's age had a little conversation going on in baby talk. One would cry a little, another across the room would coo in answer.....then a rebuttal from three rows up ahead by way of a full on scream. I think they were discussing the ridiculous rising cost of petrol in baby-eese. It was like watching a baby version of the "Twilight Bark" from 101 Dalmations. Classic.

Total Surrender

Nicole and I went to Cary to see my brother Chris and my sister in law Ava and of course, my nephew Hayden. I'm sure you know by now that I am madly in love with this little munchkin. Every time I see him he's grown a ton, thus the reason I nicknamed him my little "Chunky Monkey," and he's doing something new. This Friday he'll be 3 months old and the little fart already weighs in at a whopping 15 lbs. I LOVE the fact that he's smiling now. Not one of these "ok is it gas or did he really find pleasure in something" smiles. This child breaks out one of the most adorable, ear to ear, "look at my gums" smiles! I can't wait til he starts to giggle. Ok....I'm gushing. Anyhow, I spent Saturday loving on the little rugrat until he was worn out and frankly so was I. Got up this morning and went to church with Chris and Ava like we usually do when in town. They go to an awesome church in Cary called Crosspointe. If you are ever in town do not miss attending. I feel as much at home at this church as I do the one I attend here at home and I never leave without really feeling like the message was just for me. This morning was no different.

Today is Palm Sunday and of course the service revolved around those last days of Christ, leading up to his death and resurrection. The message was on totally surrendering to God....letting Him be in charge and laying down control. Hayden got a little fussy and I took him and got up (we sat in the very back for just this reason) and bounced around with him and patted his back. The little guy was so tired but just didn't want to sleep. As I was doing this the Lord did something that I think is just soooo cool. He used that little baby to deliver His message. Seems to be His chosen method of message delivery doesn't it...using a little baby.... :) Well as the words "we need to stop fighting and totally surrender ourselves to God's will, knowing that He will take care of us" were being spoken, the light bulb went off over my head. I'm surprised people near me weren't blinded by the wattage! Here is Hayden on my shoulder, eyes rolling back in his head.....and yet as he gets to that delicate point of finally drifting off to la-la land, his head jerks up, he lets out a little cry or two, rubs his eyes and nose and lays his head back down. His will to stay awake is fighting so desperately with his body's need for sleep and it's a struggle that eventually one of the two will win. As I'm holding him I'm thinking to myself, why in the world doesn't he just go to sleep?? Then it dawns on me....it's all about control. Even in someone so young that human need to control things is there. It's in all of us and it's certainly in me. It's so hard to let go and allow God to take His rightful place in my life as the head because I want to know with a certainty where I'm going, how I'm getting there and what will happen once that occurs. It's all about faith, having total faith in the one person that loves me unconditionally and only wants what is best for me. It's about dying to self on an every day basis and renewing my mind by reading His word and putting it into action, which sometimes means taking no action at all....but taking rest in Him.

As I stand there letting all of this sink in, I can feel Hayden's little body finally go limp and his breathing becomes deep and peaceful. He has given himself over to sleep and has put his full trust in me....knowing that I will protect him while in such a vulnerable state. I need to take rest in my Saviour, allow myself to fall into His arms and cradle me, giving me a safe harbor from the storms in life, a place to find comfort when I'm sad and hurting and also those arms will point me in the direction my path should be in life. His arms are also where I want to be when things are going good. I want to feel His arms around me during those happy times because it's then when it becomes so easy to forget who it was that bestowed such blessings on me. Amazing....I hear you Lord.... loud and clear. And to think once again....He used a sweet, little baby to deliver the message.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Lately I've been plagued with some really bad migraines. In fact, last week I was in the ER for over 6 hours after being sent there by my regular Dr. to get an emergency CAT scan. Seems my doctor thought I might be having a stroke. Lovely. Turns out I wasn't but I did feel as though my head may totally explode from my neck and part of me was wishing it would just hurry up and get on with it. I figured at least that way the pain would go away. They hooked me up to all kinds of IV's and stuff and pumped me full of drugs. All I have to say is....I LOVE narcotic pain medications! I'm not a junky and anyone who knows me will tell you that if I ever were to become some type of one it would be a huffer/sniffer and my compound of choice would be a brand new bottle of Pine Sol to wrap my nostrils around. I loooove the smell of that stuff. Anyway....turns out I really like the way pain meds make you feel. They pumped me full of Dilautin and I quickly drifted off into a fuzzy little happy place. The top of my head started to tingle and I got a warm feeling all over. I think I saw the Care Bears dancing around my bed. Now here's the kicker....they waited until I had entered said "happy place" and my physical body no longer obeyed orders from my brain other than to breathe to have me give them a urine sample. Oh yeah, forgot to tell you, kidneys were hurting too. So here I am, naked but for a hospital gown that refuses to close in the back, there are tubes hooked up to my arm and my body feels what I imagine Gumby would feel like after laying on a heating pad for a about an hour.....all woozy, goopy and wobbly. So with this in mind, please imagine if you will, me heading to the bathroom, IV in tow, gown flapping in the breeze, passing what seems to be every person I've ever come in contact with in my life in the ER. Yes, there was even a deputy that I work with sitting there waiting to take a mental person on a transport. Can't wait to see HIM this week at work! So I manage to get the urine sample and meander back to my bed. They told me in the end that I have several kidney stones in each kidney, nothing new, and that they didn't think the migraine was anything to worry about, probably a one shot deal. Prescriptions were written and Mom took me home.

Well guess what....the little brother to this migraine showed up this morning right around 6am. This is now 2 weeks in a row that I haven't been able to go to church because of feeling so sick and in pain that I thought I'd die. I took some pain meds and the headache did start easing up but they also made me fall into a deep sleep and I didn't wake up until almost noon. I'm starting to wonder if Satan has a hand in this. He's actually getting double his pleasure out of this.....making me miss church AND turning me into a narcotics junkie at the same time. The jerk. So....if you would be so kind....please say a prayer for me. I'm sick of being sick and I miss church. Thanks!

And away we go!!!!!

Ok, so everyone else is blogging and I figure change and adapt or die so here I go over the blogging cliff with the other lemmings of this world! LOL Actually, I love reading the blogs of my friends and their friends and so on and so on....it gets silly, really, that I've gotten so caught up in the lives of people I wouldn't know if they came up and bit me!

My brother Chris and his wife Ava keep me updated (although not nearly enough! hint hint!) on the progress of my adorable new nephew and their blog is linked to some other friends we have. My friend Gwenn Mangine writes what is probably THE most entertaining blog I've ever seen. I actually look forward to reading the darn thing everday and find that if I don't look at it I cannot, no matter how tired, lay my head on my pillow and lapse into a coma after a hard day. I'm telling you, I'm a candidate for Blog Reader's Anonymous! Dang it Gwenn....you're my crack!

So anywho....I'll try to keep you up on my rantings and ravings on here and hope you find them interesting or funny.....or heck both.